Dear Abby: A cheating military husband needs to be deployed for another deployment. His wife is afraid that he will wander off again


DEAR ABBY: I’ve known my husband all my life. We have been married for 20 years and have three teenage children. Last year, I caught him cheating. Turns out he had been with someone for seven years. Our children and I were devastated, and he swore to himself that he would never do this again.

I am sometimes triggered by things I see, things he says or does, or things I know he has done with her. When that happens, I usually bring the matter up again. He can’t stand what I’m doing. He says we have to put that in the past and work on our marriage. I told him it might be easy for him, but I’m not that kind of person. I tend to over-analyze and dwell on things.

We went to marriage counseling, and I was grateful because he was still against it. It helped somewhat. I need to know how to stop bringing up these issues because it is ruining my health and our marriage. I love her so much.

One more point: I’m not safe because he’s in the army and has to be deployed for a year. I’m afraid he logs on and starts talking to someone. He swears he won’t do this to me again and he’s so sorry for what he did. Please advise. — TOTALLY LOST IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR TOTALLY LOST: I’m glad the advice helped you and your husband through the tough time. Now is the time to do more – for YOU, to help you deal with your insecurities. Driving you crazy about what he “could” do in his year of deployment doesn’t help you or the state of your marriage. You have to decide if you want to trust your husband and then go from there.

DEAR ABBY: An acquaintance from 40 years ago contacted me three years ago, he claims, by looking for and finding me on social media. We’ve spoken on and off since, but now he calls me every day (sometimes twice a day) to tell me he’s planning a trip to come see me. He lives in Canada; I’m in Massachusetts.

A long time ago he begged me to sleep with him, knowing that I was dating his best friend. His friend was out of town at the time. Shocked and blindsided, I gave in to his pressure and nodded, then slept with him a second time. My boyfriend was still abroad and I couldn’t tell if he intended to return.

This acquaintance has yet to send me even a thorn, let alone a rose petal in the past three years and has repeatedly ghosted me. Should I entertain the idea of ​​seeing it, let alone think there might be something else? I’m divorced, my kids are grown, and I haven’t enjoyed male company for 14 years. During all this time, I took care of my family. — DESIRE MORE THAN CYBERLOVE

DEAR DESIRE MORE: You may be alone, but please start thinking rationally. For your own good, don’t get more involved with a man who is seducing a woman who is dating his friend and who has ghosted you “several times” over the past few years. During the times you’ve been ghosted and lonely, it seems like he’s been very busy! This person should not trust your heart or anything else.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069. **


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